As I child in gym class, I remember being instructed to take deep breaths as we did warm-up and stretching exercises. "Because breathing is so important." I also remember dreading the breathing exercises as much as sit-ups and the eight-minute mile. Fast forward a few decades, I became certified as a yoga instructor and happily did an entire unit on breathing. All while sitting on a hard wood floor. For hours. The difference was a few decades, yes. But it was also that I understood WHY breathing is so important. Someone took the time to explain to me how breathing is connected with the heart rate and nervous system. 
 
(If you are curious about why breathing is important…this Mindful.org article by Caren Osten Gerszberg explains it BEAUTIFULLY and was the inspiration for this blog post.)

On the one hand, it’s super important for leaders to clearly state what is important, and get everyone aligned on priorities. No one can argue with that. On the other, simply saying “it’s important," without any deeper discussion, is kind of like saying “because I said so.” It’s a power-play. Let’s face it. Who declares what’s important? The boss. Mom/dad. The teacher. Whoever is in charge. 

Incidentally, in the business world, "it's important" shows up in a few ways. It's also

• Strategic priorities
• Business drivers
• Goals
• Focus areas

I am not suggesting you edit out the word "important." I am suggesting that you don't stop there. Unpack it a bit. Here's what sharing more looks like:

1. A story > This is the time to pull out a compelling customer story or real business examples that illustrate the benefits, the positive impact, the real good that comes from it.
2. The data > A picture is worth 1000 words. That goes for charts and graphs, too.
3. A reminder of the vision > "We want to get to a place where we are able to ____, or where our customers are able to ____. This is a step in that direction."
4. Back & forth > Get the group talking about why it’s important to them. Hear what ideas surface. Listen like a trampoline. Bounce the ideas back. Now you’ve got momentum.

I have been ghost-writing for execs for years. The biggest compliment is not so much when a client says, “you make me sound good”—although I do love to hear it—it’s when someone repeats something I’ve written. That’s when I know it’s stuck. 
 
The majority of the work I do is behind-the-scenes. I am the one writing talking points for a panel discussion, drafting the executive topper that you see at the start of a newsletter or annual report, and drafting emails and PowerPoint slides that others will send or present. It’s more than just packaging and “prettying up” slides—my role is figuring out what to say and how to say it so the key messages are received.

​You have to put the tentacles out there and do a lot of sensing—to figure out where there are info gaps and get a pulse on the buzz in the organization. It also requires a high level of trust with the execs you support. In this role, what have I learned, and what does every busy executive need to know about how they communicate with their team?

​If you scan the business books published in the past two decades, you’ll find every flavor of leader: servant leader, leader-as-coach, authentic leadership, compassionate leadership, etc. There’s also a great deal written about leaders as storytellers. What about funny leaders?

​Funny at work? Before I lose my data-driven readers, let me share some numbers to remind you of what work looks like:

• The average office worker spends 5 hours a day on email (ref: Adobe email study)
• The average executive spends 23 hours a week in meetings (ref: HBR article by Leslie Perlow, Constance Noonan Hadley, and Eunice Eun)

 
That’s the baseline, people! This is how we’re spending our time. Can we spice it up a bit?
 
Like me, you may be thinking you’re not a particularly funny person. You could not try to crack people up if you tried. But it’s not about stand-up comedy. In the book Humor, Seriously, authors Naomi Bagdonas and Jennifer Aaker remind us that it’s not about having a performative sense of humor. It’s about levity. 
 
Bagdonas and Aaker build the case that links humor to career success. They share that employees who use (work-appropriate) humor are 23% more respected. Leaders with a sense of humor are seen as 27% more motivating, and their employees report feeling 15% more engaged.
 
Let’s face it. Most of the time, work is not fun. When it is fun, we are more creative problem-solvers, and we get more done. And humor is one way to make work fun. 
 
So why do we hold back? Why do we check the funny bone at the door?
 
There are lots of reasons that make us hesitant to use humor at work. I surveyed a few colleagues, and here’s what we came up with:
 

• Fear of being perceived as unprofessional 
• Fear of insulting someone
• Fear of not being taken seriously

 
Those are the primary reasons we avoid humor. There are just as many reasons to intentionally add humor to the workday. The question is how to get there? 

(It’s a ‘yes/and’ kind of situation.) I polled some trusted colleagues for real examples. Here are a few:

• Someone will be absent from a meeting? No problem, you jokingly assign all actions to them
• Open your next meeting by sharing work travel mishaps, e.g., mixing up the hand lotion and shampoo at the hotel; losing your luggage and attending a board meeting in a Hawaiian shirt
• Tell a dad joke; ask others to tell their favorite dad jokes 
• Change your name to “Connecting to Audio…” in Zoom
• You miss something in a discussion? “Mea culpa. I was asleep on the job.”​
• Sing “Workin’ for a living” acapella, in the bathroom
• Add an element of surprise, as you see with this Microsoft note ("Nothing in Deleted Items. Someone finally took out the trash.")

Years ago, my astute officemate noticed something. We were listening to see if the conference room down the hall was going to become available.
 
“The meeting is wrapping up,” she said.
 
“How can you tell?” I asked.
 
“They are laughing. People always laugh at the end of a meeting.” She was right. 
 
Have you ever noticed that there’s often laughter at the end of a meeting? It’s not that someone always cracks a joke at the end of the meeting. It’s that laughter is one of those things we humans do. For politeness, for camaraderie, to connect. Social contagion. Try it.

 As you look at the week ahead, what is that 'something big' that you have the chance to influence? It may be that you...

• Need to socialize the refreshed strategy or FY priorities
• Need to tell others about your serving offerings 
• Are preparing a summary of key findings from your research, or 
• Are updating a roadmap of milestones for your project.

 
Yes? Then, what you need is a one-pager. 
 
Yes, I know. You have a lot to say. There are so many super important details. There’s a lot of context you need to provide, and of course you don’t want anyone to not have the FULL story. Right.
 
Really, what you need is a one-pager.
 
It’s the single most powerful thing you can create to increase your influence and get people on board with an idea. Consultants have known this for years. Busy execs, too. The one-pager is the PowerPoint MVP! It’s the one thing an exec will choose to print out. It’s the thing they’ll grab as they head to a meeting. 
 
The brain science behind it is called Dual Coding (Allan Pavio). With a one-pager, you’re giving equal weight to the words and the visuals. 
 
So how do you create one? How do you get ALL THAT INFO onto ONE page?
 
(And of course we’re saying a “page,” but we’re actually talking about a slide in PowerPoint. But you already knew that.)

Step 1: Figure out what you want to say

• Set a timer for two minutes. Get out a piece of paper and your favorite pen. What is your idea in 20 words or less? Jot it down.
• What images come to mind? Jot down your ideas, or better yet – sketch them.
• Step back and see what you have. Are there groupings or buckets? Is there a sequence or path? Is there a list? 

 
Step 2: Package it

• Open up PowerPoint, and start building your slide. You’ve seen a zillion slides with columns, boxes, cycles, and pyramids. Don’t overthink it. Pick a design that matches the meaning and keep it as simple as possible.
• If you don’t have access to a professional designer, use the smart art, sign up for services such as SlideTeam.com, SlideModel.com, SlidesGo.com, or others.

 
PRO TIP: I keep a “Frankenstein” folder on my desktop where I dismember and re-use good slides. Recycling is efficient!
 
Step 3: Test it

• Give your draft slide to a trusted friend. A good one-pager is like a kids’ picture book. It tells a story. Ask someone who is seeing the slide for the first time to voicetrack it for you. (“If you were presenting this slide, what would you say?”) Ideally, there’s enough info on the slide to build the narrative. 
• Listen to what they say, and in what order. That will tell you how the eye “reads” the slide. Adjust your one-pager accordingly.

 
PRO TIP: Remember, word economy. Every word counts. Avoid long narratives and phrases that may cause confusion or have multiple meanings.


You ready? Now get going! 
​

Gathering lessons learned is one of those things smart organizations make time to do. For one, never let a crisis go to waste. Also, things move so rapidly that it sometimes takes a deliberate exercise such as a lessons learned activity to force reflection on what worked, so we know to repeat it for next time. And share the goodness beyond the group that was engaged in the work. We can all learn from it.

​So here it goes. Lessons learned on lessons learned.

For each person you interview, you’ll want to understand their role in the effort. The questions below are a great starter kit. You may want to share the questions in advance to allow for the ideas to percolate.
 

1. As you reflect on ___, what’s one thing that went particularly well?
2. What contribution(s) are you personally most proud of? Where do you feel you made the greatest impact?
3. How did you communicate? (Meetings, emails, chat, shouting across the room…)
4. What resource (could be technology, a person, etc.) did you rely heavily on?
5. What was a pain point? Think back to a moment of particular frustration (if there was one). What was happening?
6. What do you want to remember to never repeat?
7. What surprised you?
8. If you had to repeat this activity/project, what’s on your wishlist?
9. What do you know now, that you wish you knew at the start?
10. What can others learn from your experience?

 
 
Once you have all your notes and sit back, squint your eyes a little, and see what stands out, you’ll be in a position to write up the lessons learned. I find that the more time you spend refining the takeaways and themes, the better. And if you can get it down to an exec summary one-pager, you’re golden! 

“She is an excellent listener.” This is a real piece of feedback, early career days, from one of my first performa​nce reviews. It jolted me back to grade school, when my report card was hand-written in perfect Catholic-school-teacher cursive, and always would include something to the effect of, “She’s a pleasure to have in class.”
 
In both instances, my reaction, masked by a polite smile, was the same: That’s the best you got? 
 
You see, what I wanted to be recognized for was the stuff that came hard. The things I had to work at. The big things. 


Fast-forward a few years, I get it. 

Now, as a communications consultant, most of what I do starts with listening. Many communications consultants have the equivalent of x-ray hearing. We’re paying attention to how things are said—tone, pitch, intonation, turn taking, who’s talking over whom, who speaks last—and (just as important) what’s not said. We’re thinking about what conversations are missing, and how we force that gust of info through an organization. We’re also standing up in the lighthouse, looking out for confusion. Some dogs are trained to sniff for truffles—I can sniff out a misunderstanding. 

(Thank you for indulging that jumble of metaphors and not judging.)
 
So what’s my process? How do you listen better, more deeply? 

1. Board the boat: Setting the context for a meeting up front, and making sure everyone is “on the same boat,” as one of my colleagues often jokes, is essential. “We left off that ___ and we want to discuss ____.” Bonus: levity. The boat reference always brings a chuckle, and science tells us that we do better work when we also share a laugh.
2. Slow down: If you’ve ever transcribed a minute of talk, you know you have to STOP, REWIND, REPLAY…several times. We can’t possibly catch everything that’s said the first time around. In a discussion, that means rephrasing, asking for clarity, and—yes—slowing things down if needed. “Let me make sure I got this right…” You’ll feel unpopular. Our culture rewards speed and getting things quickly. Yet I have found that spending a minute or two up front to ensure understanding is worth hours of rework at the back end.
3. Listen with your eyes: I was in a meeting last week with a group of leaders who were looking for ways to be more present with their staff. One of them had been “scolded” by a team member, who asked her to “listen with her eyes.” It speaks to the times. Even in meetings, we’re tempted to “quickly respond” to a text or IM. “It’ll just take a second,” we think. Maybe so. But ask for a minute’s pause if you need to tend to something that pops up. Avoid sidebars. Put up your “do not disturb” and hold a pencil if you can’t keep your hands off the keyboard. 
4. Double check: At the end of meetings, I am often the one who stops to check everyone’s understanding of action items and follow ups. “Let me recap what I heard…” It feels annoying sometimes, I’ll admit. It’s a lot of who’s on the hook for what, by when. But it results in a lot of, “glad I checked” moments. 

 
I recently heard design guru Bruce Mau speak about his book, Mau: MC 24, Bruce Mau's 24 Principles for Designing Massive Change in Your Life and Work. One of the things he said is, 

(Here’s the link to that talk, if you have 30 min.)
 
Yes! Listening plays a big part in that.

Image credit: Mary Engelbreit

​Years ago, I worked at Booz Allen Hamilton, a large consulting firm in the DC area. For two years, my office was on the recruiting floor. All around me were interview rooms, networking events, and lots of hardworking recruiters. They were all go-getters. Big personalities! They walked fast, dressed to the nines, and got a lot of work done. It's the closest I will ever get to working on the floor of the stock exchange or in a newsroom. So much energy! I have kept in touch with a few of the recruiters I met during that time. It’s no surprise. Recruiters are amazing at building and maintaining relationships. It’s their job. Without a network, there are no candidates. I was thinking about how good recruiters are at networking, and thought we could all take a lesson from them. Here's what I observed...

 

1. Answer your messages. This may seem obvious, but you’d be surprised. I recently set a question via LinkedIn (messenger) to a group of recruiters who were former coworkers from years past. I received responses within hours. They stay on top of all their inboxes!
2. Don’t be shy. If you’re interested in talking with someone, reach out. Recruiters don’t hesitate if it’s someone they do not know, someone who may be “too important,” or someone they have not connected with in years. Just reach out. What’s the worst that can happen? 
3. Use all the channels. Given our reliance on social media, the lines between personal and professional relationships are blurred. Many former colleagues are also Facebook or Instagram friends. You can learn a lot from those who use all the channels. The occasional personal post on Facebook can help you connect with people from years back in your career, and it can help you get to know current colleagues at a deeper level. 
4. Leverage every opportunity. A recruiter who checked my references for a job years ago made friends with the woman I provided for my reference check! No surprise, she also makes friends in line at the grocery store. Leverage every opportunity.
5. Do something everyday. Whether you’re the type to regularly schedule lunch or coffee dates, or simply spend five minutes a day reading your LinkedIn feed and commenting on posts, you’re doing something. Another recruiter I worked with would leave her lunch in a different kitchen every day. (There were two kitchens on each floor, and the building was big.) That would allow her to meet new people every day while warming up her lunch. Also provided exercise. You pick the thing. Consistency is the key.

 
 What did I miss? What would you add to the list?

Over the past few years, I have been neglecting my professional network. I also really miss my chats with some of my favorite work friends from years past. Between leaving the DC area, the demands of motherhood (goodbye, free time!), and leaving a large employer, I had not kept up with my work buddies. Many of them had new jobs and had made big life changes—and I had not so much as checked in! (Do Facebook comments count? Not so much.) I also did not have a great avenue for meeting new people and was craving an inspo injection—wanting to hear the latest and greatest from people I admire. 
 
I remembered the movie Field of Dreams. “If you build it, they will come.” 
 
And I built it. I set up a community of practice for my biggest area of focus, internal and employee communications. We meet every other month via Zoom, for an hour. At each meeting we hear from a speaker and then do some mixing and mingling. The format is simple, managing the group is simple, and I have reconnected with dozens of people I adore. It's a start at rebuilding my network, and it's been enriching.

I recycled the idea of a small community of practice, similar to one that I had been part of years back, and it’s a concept that anyone could replicate. In case you’re inspired, here’s what I learned, and a recipe to start your own group…

1. Set your scope – In the world of “comms professionals,” this group is focused on internal and employee comms. Just one slice of the pie. We also have some graphic designers and event planners in the mix.
2. Define the purpose – My initial goals for creating this group were to have a forum for benchmarking, ideas sharing, and easy networking. We revisit the goals informally at each meeting, to make sure the time is well spent. 
3. Start small – I wanted to keep the group small as we were in start-up mode. Our initial group was about two dozen people. We have about half of that number in attendance at each meeting. To create the list, I about spent 10 minutes clicking through my LinkedIn contacts, drafted a list of people who might be interested, and invited that group to join as inaugural members. Since then our inaugural members have shared the invite with friends. The group is already growing. With intention. 
4. Keep it simple – Our meeting format is quite simple. One hour, every other month. Half of the meeting is a presentation on a cool thing (we rotate speakers), and the remainder is for sharing wants and needs. (Also noteworthy: If you set up your own group, you can pick meeting times that work for you!)

 
Have you ever set up or managed a group like this? What tips do you have?

I worked in Learning & Development (aka ‘corporate training’) for nearly a decade. During that time, I did some classroom facilitation and I read A LOT OF participant evaluations. You know, the short questionnaires you complete after a training session that ask what did you like most/least, and what to change for next time. It didn’t take long to see the universal trends in that feedback. It came to mind a few weeks ago as I was reviewing feedback from an offsite, and I thought I'd share it here...

Here are the three things that come up regularly in participant evaluations: 

1. Unclear instructions for activities – If at some point in the training, you’re pairing off or breaking into small groups for discussions (without a facilitator), you know to provide the instructions and repeat them three times. Inevitably someone will say, “Now what are we supposed to be doing?” 

What can you do? Before you send everyone off to the small groups, ask someone from each group if they have questions about what they are supposed to be doing, provide a handout/instructions that is available in the breakouts. If you’re in Zoom, don’t rely on the main presentation materials—send a handout in advance, and make sure everyone has it handy.
 
2. Not enough time in the breakouts – There’s almost always feedback about the time in breakout or small group discussions being TOO SHORT. We humans like to talk, and the discussion time is NEVER enough. “We didn’t all get a chance to talk” or “We rushed through the last person.” Most of the time you leave them wanting more (or complaining that they were rushed).  

What can you do? After you debrief the small-group discussions, ask everyone individually to reflect on one insight or one idea that came out of the discussions. Ask them to jot it down. It’s a simple step that helps them see value in the discussion they had, and think less about what was lacking or how they’d have preferred to have more time.
 
3. Too much content – If you skip over a section of content, if you provide a lot of back-up materials, or if you mention, “Let’s move through this part quickly,” it gives the perception that you’re managing your time poorly or you are cheating the group of some good content. Participants feel they are not getting the full experience. 

What can you do? Create one main presentation with the content that’s essential, and that you’ll definitely make time for. Have additional slides at-the-ready in case you want to supplement the discussion with additional materials. Pull them out if there actually is time, and/or send the additional slides in a follow-up communication after the course. Avoid the chunky back-up section or appendix.
 
 
A lot of these “universals” are relevant to meeting planning and offsites as well.

L&D friends: What would you add to the list?

Some days, I really can relate to the woman in the popular 1980s Wendy’s commercial who lifts up the top half of the bun,  leans in closely, adjusts her glasses, and wonders, 

​As a communications consultant, I write things people don’t want to or can’t. Some of the time, that means that I will connect with a client, jot down notes about what’s on their mind, ask some questions for clarity, and put a draft on paper. 
 
A lot of the time, however, I am creating content. Figuring out what needs to be said, and putting the words on paper. A client will say, “We need to get a message out.” The message is the bun, and it’s my job to make the patty. 

While this is an intuitive process, these three questions guide me:

1. What’s the point? – What needs to be communicated? Is there a new thing to share?
2. What’s the context? – How much background does the audience need? 
3. What’s the ask? – What action is required and is the deadline clear? 

If you tend to agonize over writing or simply don't know how to get started, remember these questions. You'll have your 'beef' in no time.

As a trained linguist, I listen for misunderstandings. They provide great insights into conversational dynamics, and of course, it’s a fun mental puzzle. I thought I’d share a couple of my most fun misunderstandings. (Full disclosure: both stories happened on vacation in Italy, years ago. Yes, like many I am daydreaming about the possibility of travel. These popped in my mind recently while reminiscing…Maybe someday soon?) 
 
What would you like to order?

It was a scorching hot August day on the Amalfi coast, and we were a group of sticky hot tourists looking to take a lunch break. We sat down at a beautiful restaurant, one of those you see in the pictures with massive lemons hanging in a trellis up above. Once everyone had studied the menu and decided what they wanted, the server came. My Italian was better than the others’ and so I ordered for everyone, based on what I’d remembered everyone wanted, in the order that I remembered it. The food started to arrive at the table, in a seemingly random order. We were puzzled. Why was a second course coming out with a starter? Where’s my pasta? Why were the dishes coming out in rounds, rather than in order, or all at once? 
 
The server must be incompetent. That was the only possible explanation. Italians were serious about course order. This guy must be a goof ball, or maybe he was just having a bad day? Then suddenly came the aha. The pattern to the “random” order? The dishes were coming to the table in the exact order I had requested them. The laugh was on me! 

Want to go out and play?
​
A few years back, I took my niece and nephew, who were 6 and 8, respectively, to Italy to visit family. The kids spoke no Italian, but they made instant friends with some locals. One afternoon the neighborhood kids came by, wanting to play. My niece and nephew went out happily, and about five minutes later, stormed back in, angry and frustrated. 
 
“They are cheats!” they declared. 
 
“I don’t want to play with them anymore.” 
 
I went out to talk with the Italian kids to find out what had happened. They were just as puzzled. “What were you playing?” I asked? And as it turns out, the Italians were not playing freeze tag, as my niece and nephew had thought. And the Italian kids weren’t cheating at freeze tag. Instead, they were playing a similar game, but with different rules. My niece and nephew had assumed the worst—without the benefit of language, they had no idea what had gone wrong.

“When I had children, we didn’t have all this stuff. It’s become all too complicated.” My early days as a mother are a blurr, and yet I remember this moment vividly. My mom, who’d raised four children and at that point had already been a grandmother for decades, revealed to me that she had no idea about motherhood today. How do you correctly install a carseat? How do you manage screentime? How do you use a bottle warmer? The job had evolved. We’d made it more complicated. Some of the innovations were for child safety or health, and some for convenience. Others for marketing. Babies are big business, after all.

​Work for us hasn’t changed all that much. We’ve been working from home for years. We’d pushed through the initial honeymoon period or shock—both reactions are possible when initially transitioning to telework—and we’d settled into a good, solid work-from-home routine years ago. In the past year due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many others made an abrupt shift to working from home, without much planning or preparation. Compounded with the stresses of the pandemic, it’s been rough.

But it’s been rough for us veteran telecommuters, too. We explored why. We came up with a hypothesis. Maybe with the rush to connect and simulate the in-person interactions, we have made it all too complicated. 
 
Working from home was not nearly as exhausting before—you guessed it—Zoom. To be fair, it’s Zoom, Teams, whatever. Meeting on the phone (audio only) is way easier than videoconferencing. Here’s what I heard:
 
I've been telecommuting for 18 years. I used to walk all the time while on my calls. I cannot do that when required to take notes and also be on camera. 
 
I am fidgety, and I need to move around when I am working. I used to be able to do that.
 
On video calls, I feel like I am chained to my desk. When on conference calls, I can fold laundry or walk around and Swiff the floors. In a way it helps me concentrate. 

We have all done some personal reflection on this topic, and it’s been analyzed extensively. We’ve read about Zoom fatigue, the particular challenges of uncertainty, etc. Movement is indeed one of the issues. But there are others, including needing to manage your face. Yes, Zoom (and our politeness expectations) forces you to fake a smile. Vignesh Ramachandran's article from Stanford explains it well. There’s lots of brain science to explain our exhaustion. 

So what do we do with this knowledge? And why do I feel the need to pile onto the heap of articles and blogs, when the topic has been discussed already? Well, it’s time to head back into the office. It’s time to start new habits. Let’s remember what my mom said and not make this too complicated. 

I’ve had an earworm the past few weeks: “When you’re smilin', the whole world smiles with you.” The song is in Louis Armstrong’s voice. I was thinking about what I miss most about “normal,” i.e., pre-pandemic, life. 
 
All things considered, one of the top things I miss is exchanging smiles with others. 
 
While research may show that a smile hidden behind a mask can still be ‘heard,’ in my experience, it’s muffled. 
 
This past year of wearing a mask in public has made me realize that I rely heavily on smiling to communicate with people I don’t know. Passing you on a sidewalk? I smile. Waiting at the corner to cross a street? I smile. Expertly zig-zagging in a grocery store? I smile. 
 
It’s as important to communication as words. And it’s been silenced. To compensate, I find myself talking (i.e., a quick "hi") when I don’t want to. Smiles are the shortest, most to-the-pointest exchanges ever. So efficient. So warm. I miss them.
 
And P.S. research tells us the song is true. 

Coronavirus and COVID-19 are not the same thing.

Are you using the terms interchangeably?

(Yikes. I was!)

Coronavirus (also novel Coronavirus, SARS-CoV-2) is the virus; COVID-19 is the disease.

(Like HIV is the virus; AIDS is the disease.)

My email inbox is full of invitations to "Buy now and save."

​Since when does spending lead to saving?

A lot of marketing is based on the premise that "spending less" = saving. But I think of saving as the absence of spending. Since when can I feel good about spending now so I can save?

Server: Do you have any questions about the menu today?

Sonia: I see the scallops come with a "blt," and the "blt" is in quotes. Is this BLT (Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato), or something inspired by the original, such as, Brats, Lochs, and Tofu?"

This is an actual question I posed our server Saturday. He was not sure why I was puzzled. I was not sure why there were quotation marks around "blt." 

Yes, I had to edit the menu before I could order. It happens a lot. It's often a question of punctuation or spelling. 

(It was an actual BLT, in case you were concerned.)

(And don't you want to edit the photo above so it reads "today's?")

​Few things raise self awareness of your own communication style as quickly as hearing your toddler express herself. I have been tuned into language most of my life, and this is one of the greatest delights of motherhood for me.

How many times a week do I think to myself, "Where did she learn that?" "Do I say that?" or "Is that what I sound like?"

Sometimes, for example when big sister is consoling little sister in a kind and gentle way, I am pleased by what I hear. At other times, for example when there are a lot of forceful, "No! No! No's!," I cringe! 

As my older daughter (3.5 years old) is developing her communication (and storytelling) style, I am tuning in to see if I can begin to hear what our "family" communication style is. (Fortunately, it's nothing like hearing a recording of my voice!) 

What has listening to your children taught you about how you communicate?

​

This post by A Cup of Jo presents a wonderful way to teach children how to jump into a conversation without interrupting. When you start out studying language and discourse analysis, you often look to children--and pay attention to when they "disrupt"--to identify the "hidden" rules of conversation. Certainly, knowing when to jump in and take a turn at talk is a skill we are not born with. With time (and some nudges from mom and dad, etc.), we learn to listen for the context, the non verbals, etc., and eventually we get it. Most of the time in a conversation, only one person is talking. Thanks to A Cup of Jo for the great tip!

“Okay, love you, bye.”

He hung up the phone, and realized he’d just professed his love to a CLIENT! This is a true story, as told by my friend Ron, about a colleague at work. (Perhaps it’s happened to you?)

For many, “I love you,” is conversation closer. It works like, “Goodbye!” It has its place at the end of many phone conversations or short discussions. It sends a little love.  It wraps things up. It works beautifully, as long as it’s not misdirected (i.e., to a client). That misdirection can happen when “love you” becomes routine—when “love you” fills the same conversational place as “bye,” a word with a lot less heart.

While I love spreading love, I urge you, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, to put the meaning (and heart) back into these precious words. At least for your Valentine...Agreed?

(P.S. I don’t know how Ron’s colleague resolved things with his client. As my friend tells the story, it ends with ridicule from the cubicle-mates who were within earshot of the gaffe.)

Years ago, I worked for a U.S. university study abroad program in Madrid. Living abroad—if you do it right—pushes you out of your comfort zone and makes you ache for the familiar. You learn about your creature comforts, your quirks, and your hot buttons. And that’s where you grow.

In that job, my primary role was to keep students feeling safe enough that they could dare to “do it right,” that is, be adventurous and go exploring, try new foods and hobbies—and journal, talk through, and process the experience…so they could learn. (It was study abroad, after all.) As a general rule, I talked in terms of ‘cultural values,’ ‘practices,’ and history. I didn’t make lists of cultural dos/don’ts….However, there were a few dos/don’ts we taught students right away:

1. If you’re handed a fork and knife with your croissant (or sandwich, or other item you’d put in the ‘finger-food’ category), use them to eat it.
   
2. If someone approaches you for the two-cheek kiss, follow along. Yes, even if it’s at a job (in their case, internship) interview.
   
3. Don’t clap along with the dancers in a flamenco show. Save your clapping for after the song is over.
   

In flamenco, the dancer is part of the band. With his/her stomping/clapping, he/she is the percussion. If eager tourists get carried away and clap along with the dancers, they can redirect the song. Tuning into this cultural norm about ‘when to clap’ is not so much a cultural do/don’t. It’s about knowing how to communicate. It’s about knowing when you’re part of the conversation vs. a ratified listener. 

When you’re a child and speak out of turn, you might get shushed. In those instances, you’re a ratified listener, and you probably don’t know how to sense when it’s your turn to speak. After years of coaching on how to get a word in edgewise, children figure it out. We all do, eventually. As a tourist at your first flamenco show, you might not think to follow the locals’ lead. Or the house may be packed with tourists. If that’s the case, where do you get your cue?

 **Click here to visit the Corporate B.S. Generator (image above).**

Every community has its lingo. 

(If you don't believe me, just ear hustle on a group of teenagers the next time you are in line at the movies. Assuming you're not a teenager yourself, you may just learn a word or two!)

Nonetheless, making fun of "in-group" language, whether you call it jargon or slang, is a common human reaction. Why? Noticing how *others* talk helps us (in turn) identify *ourselves.* 

Our ability to draw on "different ways" of speaking helps us build relationships. Depending on who you're talking to, and what the setting is, you can "play up" certain phraseology or pronunciation in order to send the meta message that, "I'm like you" or "I get you." Linguists study how we "style shift" depending on who we are speaking to, and depending on the context of the conversation. We vary our style all the time. It's part of being "successful" in life. If you address a police officer who has pulled you over for speeding in the same way that you console a fussy baby, you might provoke a misunderstanding...or worse! 

My first semester of grad school, I wrote a paper on corporate jargon. In the years prior, I had taken notes during business meetings, as I noticed "new" phrases and words that I associated with the "corporate world," the "management consulting world," or the "world of government contracting." My anecdotal observation was that, the higher you climbed the corporate ladder, the more "strong" your corporate "accent." I was desperately curious to find out if there was a correlation between being "proficient" in jargon and career success.

So, I designed a short survey to investigate...Nearly ninety colleagues, at all levels in the organization, responded to questions designed to
1. Gauge their attitudes toward the "jargon"
2. Invite them to identify words/phrases they associated with "our lexicon"
3. Determine which happened more often: Did they use the jargon more than others, or did others use it more than they did?

The project was therapy for me, and it turned out to be a huge empathy-fest for my colleagues/informants. The survey's high response rate (over 80%!) signaled to me that I was not the only one who was intrigued by this interesting phenomenon. The list of words and phrases and commentary signaled that I was not the only one who felt a certain dis-ease (or disgust!) with "our lexicon." 

The most interesting result was related to item number (3.) above: 83% of respondents indicated that it is their colleagues, not they themselves, who are using the jargon. There are many possible explanations for this result, including lack of self awareness, denial, and flaws with my survey sampling and survey design. 

What do you think?

Over time, words shift in meaning. Take the word "wireless," for example. It started out as a noun that means radio. Now, well, you know what wireless means.

As society, culture, and technology evolve, we sometimes need to stretch our words to describe the concepts in our world… Sometimes we innovate and coin new words. Sometimes we assign new meanings to--or rework the meanings of--"old" words.

Marketers can play on word meanings--and even provoke a word shift--with their clever messaging. Lately, I have been noticing the word "naked" used in a new way, for example:

• "Naked Juice" is "Naked. Nothing to hide."
• Stacy's Pita Chips are "Simply naked, with nothing but sea salt."
  

As a marketing word, "naked" is certainly an attention grabber! While the meaning used to be more narrow (e.g., limited to "naked body" or "the naked truth"), it's expanded to fill a gap in our whole foods vocabulary. Now, "naked" means pure, uncoated, natural. 

How else will we use starting using it?

For more on language change, read: http://www.bbc.co.uk/voices/yourvoice/language_change2.shtml

What does American English sound like to someone who doesn't speak English? 

Prisencolinensinainciusol, a song by Italian Adriano Celentano, answers that question. Take a look at the video. What do you hear?

Inspired by the theme of "incomprehension," Celentano composed this song using the sounds of American English--and some actual English words--in a jumbled, nonsensical way. The result is a glimpse at what we sound like to someone who can't understand us.

When it came out in the early 1970s, the song was a big hit in Europe.  For more background, listen to this NPR Interview with Celentano (November, 2012). 

It's been a while since I was surrounded by people I could not communicate with. Does the song make you recall a time when you struggled to make yourself understood?

Many thanks to Maria Checchia-Ciazza for this Guest Post: 

You want to stop conversation at a party? Tell someone you’re a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Unless the person you’re speaking to is a SAHM herself, you’ll get one, maybe two weak questions back, such as, “How old are your kids?” Then, the person politely excuses him/herself to go grab another drink.

Why? Because a SAHM just sounds so darn boring!

First, there were "housewives," then "homemakers." And it was only in the early 1990s, when women rightly objected to both of those because they made raising children more about the home than the kids, did we start using the term “stay-at-home mom.”  To me, all these terms feel like a kick in the pants.

Is there a way to describe mothers and their relationship with the paid workforce without insulting them?

Stay-at-home mother? “Most of them are never home. Spend hours as unpaid taxi drivers!”

Working mother? “Of course, we are working every minute of every day!”

Non-working mother? “Seriously? No sick days allowed!”

Full-time mother? “How can you clock your hours?  Whether I am at home or work, I am always a mother!”

Here’s another thought.  How about the fact that society never feels the need to “label” fathers with “working” terms?

I would suggest that a replacement term has to meet two criteria. First, that it apply to men as well as women. Second, that it include those who are parents and those who are not. Our social ideal should be a work/life model where everyone shapes a career that includes times where we work full-force and times when we kick back, and our words should be consistent with that. They should embrace the sense of ebb and flow, more and less that are the truth of most of our lives, rather than the stop and start, one or the other, that are unrealistically divisive.

Aren’t we, as a culture, free to come up with a new word to refer to stay-at-home parents?  Here are some I've heard:   “domestic goddess,”  “primary caregiver,”  and “domestic engineer.”

Maybe, we should simply change the term SAHM and make it the French, “C’est une mere chez soi.”

Whatever the term, it’s past time we find one.  Any suggestions? 

I was headed to Italy with a dear friend who had never been to Europe. "I've heard a lot about gelato," she said. "What flavors do they have? Just chocolate and vanilla, or other flavors?"

Her questions reminded me that chocolate and vanilla are the standard, "basic" flavors you find in the U.S. A small ice cream shop might only have those two options, and you'd expect a larger shop to offer chocolate and vanilla (by default) plus other options.

More deeply, my friend's questions made me reflect on what's "standard" or "plain"--and how that's culturally-bounded. 

In the U.S., we refer to something as "plain vanilla" to indicate the option that has little embellishment or elaboration. For example, a "plain vanilla" outfit, car, or house is the simplest version offered. As an expression, "plain vanilla" holds a lot of cultural meaning. 

Incidentally, in Italy, you're just as likely to encounter a small gelato shop that offers sour cherry, hazelnut, or nougat as you are to see "plain" chocolate. Vanilla, on the other hand, is pretty exotic. The standard, "unmarked" base flavor is "gelato alla crema," made with milk, sugar, and egg. Vanilla, as an aroma, is as noteworthy in Italy as rosewater or orange blossom would be in the U.S. 

(Needless to say, my friend and I both enjoyed all the flavors we tried!)

What expressions do you use that reveal your cultural frame or bias? How might these expressions translate across cultures? What do they reveal about your expectations of "how things should always be?"